"The Dog Ate My Homework."

I was brave and emailed this to one of my English Ed professors -- a female -- explaining my absence today. I don't have the chutzpa to send it to my male English Ed professor, whose class I also missed. So, due to my cowardess, I will post it on the World Wide Web for all to see:

Dear Dr. Dean,

Since I am not in class right now as I should be, I thought I'd write something tragic and comical to explain my absence.

I am on my period right now, and like any responsible female with a menstrual cycle, I carry around a small supply of tampons with me at all times. Today, I felt even more responsible since I remembered to pack a nutritious lunch of yogurt, soup, and an orange. "Wow, I am a competent, happy adult," I thought to myself.

It was going to be a great day. Or so I thought.

Pretty early in the morning, at work, I knew something was wrong because of some serious cramping. Perhaps it was not going to be a great day, but since I was prepared for the worst my period could throw at me, I did not fear.

By the time Engl 420 with Dr. Crowe was about to start, I knew I needed to go to the bathroom to change my tampon. My flow had been heavy today, and it would be my second trip before noon to take care of things. Imagine my horror when I reached down into the depths of my backpack, only to discover that my tampons -- conveniently paper wrapped, with a cardboard applicator, all so wonderfully absorbent and eager for moisture -- were soaking wet. In chicken broth. With parsley flakes clinging to them. In my backpack. On a very heavy period day. And that the chicken broth had also leaked onto homework. Books. A leather keychain from Uruguay. Post-it notes. My work notebook.

I do thank my lucky stars that my backpack is inversely waterproof, because the broth formed a small lake in the bottom of my backpack, prohibiting even one drop from escaping. No, everything sat in a lovely chicken broth marinade for probably an hour or more. Lucky me.

I improvised for Dr. Crowe's class, thinking I might make it and that miraculously I wouldn't smell too strongly of chicken soup as I held all my books and papers outside my backpack, piling my other smaller personal items in an upper, external pocket away from the chicken broth sea in my bag, with lumpy chunks of sodden paper towel frantically absorbing the mess. The mess was contained, but beyond that I still stunk of chicken, my things were getting more ruined by the minute, and I still needed a tampon desperately. So, I'm sorry to report that I fled for the confines of my tiny home south of campus.

And that is why, Dr. Dean, I was not in class today. I'll contact a classmate to get notes for the day, but would you please send me any handouts from today? If it is more convenient, I can pass by your office tomorrow, too.

Thanks,

Hilary

PS - This story is 100% true. Devastatingly, horribly, wonderfully true.

You've Come a Long Way, Baby

This made me guffaw. Happy Wednesday!

In other news, NaNoWriMo is hard! 1,667 words is a lot of words to write in one day, and when you're inexperienced like me, well, sometimes I feel like someone's asking me to do 20 cartwheels per day when really I can't even do one. Anyway.

It is nice to have your no. 1 responsibility be to write and not necessarily to craft. So it's just pouring out the words and worrying about all the details later. Yay novels!

TBF @ PCL 2010 with Scott Westerfeld

It ROCKED!

(Photos taken on my new phone. The era of the flip phone has ended. Good riddance.)

Okay, with that overly simplistic statement out of the way, the first Teen Book Fest at the Provo City Library was an enormous success in this girl's humble opinion. Several hundred people turned out for Scott Westerfeld's keynote address, and many more people came for three hours of book giveaways, signings, and readings by Westerfeld and 15 Utah authors, including Chris Crowe (my YA Lit professor), Brandon Mull of Fablehaven fame, the prolific Brandon Sanderson, up-and-coming novelist Ally Condie, and two of my personal favorites, Ann Dee Ellis and Carol Lynch Williams. Other festivities included DIY Specials tattoo face painting, steampunk jewelry making, Smash Brother Brawl on the Wii-ing (sorry, I just really wanted you all to say Wii-ing in your heads), Literary Jeopardy, and much general merry-making.

Sigh, my heart is full.

And you gotta love a dozen or so librarians dressed in steampunk garb. Not sure what steampunk is? Talk to Wikipedia. There's also an interesting article about steampunk costuming with great pictures here.

Why the steampunk? Westerfeld, probably best known for the Uglies series, has just released book 2 of the Leviathan triology, a steampunk take on WWI (what would happen if the Archduke were murdered... and you were his kid? And the world had its high tech revolution 100 years ago?). I confess that I have not read Leviathan, or the second book, Behemoth, but after yesterday's cultural immersion, I am fascinated and have both books waiting for my indulgence. Trick is, I have to finish Tenderness by Robert Cormier first. Shudder. I'm not sure how much more I can take inside the mind of an 18-year-old psychopathic serial killer. It's taxing, let's put it that way.

Anyway, back to Westerfeld. He was a fantastic lecturer, talking primarily on the experience of collaborating with illustrator Keith Thompson. FASCINATING. It all began when he received the Japanese edition of Uglies, complete with illustrations. Westerfeld posted one of the illustrations on his blog - Tally and Shay on their hoverboards - and mayhem ensued on the internet.

English-language fans were outraged - where were their illustrations??

Westerfeld said a wise 12-year-old Japanese Manga reader explained that in Japan, about 90% of what is published includes illustrations throughout. It's part of their reading experience. It would be weird NOT to have illustrations, even in a novel for an adult audience.

So Westerfeld thought that was pretty awesome, and because he was cool and famous enough to boss around his editors (I assume), he was able to write an illustrated novel. Hello Leviathan. Westerfeld describes the artwork in the books as "Victorian Manga". Westerfeld said that after the first 5 or 6 chapters, Thompson caught up to him in the illustration process. Thompson was like, "Hello, I need more chapters to do my job!" So Westerfeld said he should move forward with a few illustrations, and he would write them in. And so they procdeded, Westerfeld and Thompson co-developing some of the wild steampunk inventions that feature in the novel.

Pretty sweet.

Westerfeld was a great storyteller. I know Provo Channel 17 taped everything. I'll post when/if I ever find it rebroadcast. The whole thing was quite tasty. Can't wait for next year's Book Fest.

(Will I even be here??)

Without Question, I Have a Problem

I like to read. A lot.

We're talking possibly unhealthy amounts of love for the act of reading.

In the last 6 weeks, I've read 24 books.

I read books at red lights.

I read books while I'm walking places.

Once, a boy I know who's pretty cute and nice and funny saw me reading a book in the Subway line here on campus. He was waiting in the Teriyaki Stix line. I really liked the book I was reading. He invited me to eat lunch with him. Tempting. But the book was better. I lied. I said I had to get right back to work, that I had things to do at the office during lunch. It wasn't true. I just wanted to keep reading my book in the precious 52 minutes remaining of my lunch hour.

I read every night in bed before I go to sleep.

I read books while watching movies.

I read books instead of doing homework.

I read instead of answering the phone.

I currently have 13 books checked out from the BYU library. I also have 11 books checked out from the Provo public library.

I need help.

Instead of Doing Homework

Simini and I have been brainstorming. She's a great illustrator. I like to write. So we feel pretty qualified to organize a collaborative work with some of the best in the business. I ask you now, general public, to consider the following plan of utter and shocking brilliance:

First, contact Danielle Steel.
Kindly ask her for the rights to re-illustrate her children's book masterpiece, Freddie's Accident.
Intrigued? You should be. Check out the manuscript. Favorite excerpts include -

One afternoon, when his sisters and some of their friends were playing in the backyard, Freddie decided he had had enough of girls. I'm not going to analyze this one too deeply.

Suddenly, Freddie kicked the ball right out into the street. Without looking left or right to check for traffic, he ran into the street to get the ball. He knew John would be mad if he lost it. Freddie ran right after the ball without ever looking to see if there were any cars coming, and suddenly, there was a terrible screech. Someone was shouting at him, he could hear a car horn right near his ears, and just as he heard it, he felt something very big knock him down and hit him very hard on the shoulder. Who knew getting hit by a car could be so excrutiatingly extended and bland?

"Remember," the doctor said, "never run into the street after a ball. Never cross a street without looking, or without a grown-up. Never play in the street. And never, ever go anywhere with a stranger." Gee, thanks, doc!

Freddie's Mommy made him some soup that night. When he came into the kitchen, she told him to sit down at the kitchen table. And when Megan and Allison came in and started chasing each other around the room, she told them to sit down too. "It's very dangerous to run around in the kitchen. Stay away from the stove. There are hot pots here, and you could get burned if you touch them, or spill them." One trip to the hospital in one day was more than enough, she said, and Freddie agreed with her. He knew many of the other kitchen rules: Don't use sharp knives; don't play with kitchen equipment; and don't use any of the machines without a grown-up. And, of course, don't use the oven or the stove, and don't ever play with matches. And don't breathe. And never leave the house without your bubble suit! And be sure to bathe in Purell thrice daily!

Got a feel for it? Good.

Now, Simini suggested, and I concur, that Freddie's Accident might be better exploited, er, I mean, developed as a graphic novel chapter book for young readers. Each chapter could be a new accident:

Freddie and the Lawn Mower
Freddie Learns about Rabies
Freddie's Frozen Flagpole Debacle
Freddie: Watch out for Carbon Monoxide Poisoning!

Thi$ idea i$ $ounding $uper $well...

Of course, for illustration, we'd have to go with none other than the feminine, delicate, sensitive artist, Allie Brosh.

Insightful.
Moving.
Artistically bold and honest.

I think our next step is to set up a Twitter chat with our team. Feedback?